I often struggle to choose a topic when it’s my turn to write our company blog. Do I write something practical? Funny? Educational? How many people are actually going to read it? Will they find it remotely interesting? Commence overthinking. Honestly, I normally try to do a little of ‘all of the above’ but this time I wanted to discuss something that I have personally and professionally put a lot of thought into.
A growing number of adults in the U.S. are choosing to remain child-free, myself included. This is a decision that my husband and I have reached together in the last few years, but it’s something I have been thinking about for the majority of my adult life. I remember sitting in my college dorm with my roommate casually doing homework and chatting about family. The
conversation continued and I vividly remember her saying “I was born to be a mom,” ( and she wasn’t wrong! She is a total rock-star!). But, this is something that always stood out to me because when she said it, I remember thinking “I don’t feel that way.” Now, I don’t know if many
18 year-olds know what they were born to accomplish so I didn’t give it much thought at the time, but as life progressed and I got closer to the typical age for marriage, house, children, I started to think more and more about “what if I don’t want to be a mom?”
To be honest, it’s a milestone I thought I would eventually experience. I thought that with time maybe my feelings would change. I had a list of baby names in my notes app, my sisters were starting to have children and asked if i wanted them to save any baby items, I had ideas about things I would want to do with my kids and how I would want to raise them. As time went on I always observed having an ambivalence towards the idea. I know I would be a good mom, and I know my husband would be an amazing father. We have great family and friends who would be thrilled and incredibly supportive. The list of pros is pretty extensive. So, why wouldn’t I want a baby, right?
After thinking about it for 10+ years, I realized I would solely be doing it for other people, not for myself. It’s something I felt like I “should” do instead of truly wanting to. As someone whose identity and existence is built around caring for others, it was incredibly challenging to make this decision for myself, knowing it would disappoint those around me. That took me time to grapple with, but no matter what hypotheticals came my way, my mind always came back to “it’s my choice, and I choose not to.”
To start, when I refer to child-free by choice (CFBC), I am referring to individuals who have actively chosen not to have children. This differs from people who have attempted to conceive, have struggled with pregnancy and/or are unable to have children, or any other circumstance where a child was wanted. This is meant to highlight the choice component and address
common misconceptions about those who live a child-free by choice lifestyle.
I will preface that I am not the spokesperson for all individuals who are child-free by choice. This is simply a glimpse into the conversation. After scouring through Google, Reddit posts, other blogs and studies on the topic, as well as through my own experience and conversations with
clients, here were some common misconceptions about being CFBC:
“You will regret it later.”
People assume child-free individuals will inevitably regret not having children, especially as they get older in age. Maybe! We have not yet found the crystal ball that tells us the future. Regret is a possibility in any path of life, including parenthood. However, many people feel fulfilled without
children and make this decision after careful consideration. Individuals who choose to be CFBC often give significant and deliberate thought to parenthood, rather than relying on societal expectations or default life paths.
“You will change your mind.”
This is often based in the belief that the desire to have children is universal and inevitable. While some people do change their minds, most do not- and their decision remains consistent over time. It also seems that this idea implies that choosing to not have children is the “wrong” decision. What is right for one person isn’t always what is right for others.
“You are missing out on the most important experience of life.”
This tends to be a narrow view that assumes parenthood is the ultimate path to fulfillment. The idea that children have to be included to give life meaning doesn’t give consideration to the vastness of life’s offerings, or take into account individual values. Fulfillment is deeply personal.
People find purpose and meaning in countless ways- travel, art, education, careers, relationships and more.
“You are going against nature.”
Some assume that choosing not to reproduce is unnatural or biologically wrong. Yes, our bodies are built to procreate, however, many believe that is not one’s sole purpose for existence. To equate an individual’s value or worth to their desire to have children strips that person of humanity. Human behavior is complex. Many aspects of human life (e.g. using contraception, adopting, living alone) go against our “evolutionary instincts.” “What’s natural” is not always what is right for everyone.
“You must hate children.”
Being child-free is seen as a rejection of children in general. On the contrary, most CFBC individuals don’t dislike children, they simply do not want the responsibilities of parenthood.
I write this blog as I am actively parenting two pre-teens and two dogs (ironic, right?) Get this, I love it! Am I exhausted at the end of it? You bet. It’s a different pace than I am accustomed to and requires an added level of energy and stamina, yet it also gives me a deep appreciation for what parents accomplish. Being an Aunt is one of the highlights of my life. The amount of love I have for my nieces and nephew is immeasurable. That love is probably the closest I will come to parenthood, and I am so fulfilled and content with that idea. Simultaneously, almost all of my friends have children. It has been so cool to watch these amazing humans make more amazing humans; I have a great sense of pride in them and for them. Oftentimes, I get to be an extra pair of eyes or hands, I step in and help where I can, and I do my best to ensure the mommas are taken care of. Not having children gives me additional space to show up for more people in a
way that feels fulfilling to me. While there may be CFBC individuals who truly are not fond of children, we have to remain open that this opinion may not be held by the entire CFBC population.
“You are selfish.”
Choosing not to have children is often seen as self-centered. Opting out of parenthood can be a thoughtful, ethical decision. Many child-free people contribute to society in meaningful waysthrough careers, caregiving, volunteer work, etc. My hot take: I think we SHOULD be selfish with our lives, at least with the big decisions. If we strip away the negative connotation that “self-centeredness” carries, it simply means to center decisions around one’s self. So many of our daily decisions are based on our individual needs. Why shouldn’t the choice to have children be one as well?
“You are immature or not ready to grow up.”
This belief is formed around the idea that not wanting kids is a sign of emotional immaturity. In reality, it takes self-awareness and maturity to make a conscious decision about not having children, especially in a world that pressures people to reproduce. Going against societal norms inevitably opens one up to criticism and judgment. CFBC individuals often consider not just the choice of parenthood, but the repercussions of not having children due to the stigma and misconceptions that are held.
“You just haven’t met the right person yet.”
There are multiple misconceptions here. First, this assumes everyone will want children once they find the “right partner.” Second, is the assumption that everyone wants a partner. Third, many individuals have children without a partner. To add on, it’s not uncommon for someone to be in a relationship and have children with someone that isn’t “the right person.” To assume that one’s decision to have children is solely related to their relationship status can be greatly limiting. Many child-free people are in loving relationships who share the same view, or they simply don’t equate love and partnership with reproduction.
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“Your life must be lonely and empty.”
These criticisms often imply that child-free people lack close relationships or meaning. On the contrary, many have rich social lives, strong friendships and/or family dynamics, and meaningful pursuits that offer joy and connection. Considering CFBC individuals often give great consideration to their decision, there are often proactive efforts that go towards pursuing
fulfillment and fostering deep interpersonal relationships.
“You must have had a bad childhood or trauma.”
Some assume the decision stems from negative past experiences or unresolved issues. While this may be true for some individuals, many simply feel that parenthood is not the right choice for them. Their reasons are diverse and often practical, philosophical, or personal. Also, if someone chooses not to have children due to adverse childhood or life experiences, they tend to be highly aware of the impact that trauma has had on them, how it could impact their child, and simply want to ensure to avoid inflicting further pain on themselves or a child.
We are in a time where it seems hard to agree on even simple ideas. Choosing to be CFBC doesn’t need to be something to agree with, yet, a topic to try to understand. To offer an alternative perspective I pulled an excerpt from a viral interview of the fabulous Tracee Ellis Ross (which I will link at the end). Tracee (and many other hig-profile individuals) have often
been publicly shamed and criticized for being single and child-free. During her interview, she challenged critics by saying;
“...childless women have been mothering the world and elevating the world as aunties, godmothers, teachers, mentors, sisters, and friends…The list goes on. You do not have to push out a baby to help push humanity forward…”
From a separate interview discussing similar topics she added… “I do believe that I mother all over the place. I do believe that I do very valued things in the world and for people that I care about and love.” My main motive for writing this is to help normalize the conversation. To encourage others to
check their own biases and judgments. To let others who aren’t sure about parenthood know that they aren’t alone in that thought, and there is nothing wrong with them for taking the time to decide if parenting is the right move for them. I believe it to be one of the most thoughtful things
we can do for ourselves. Oftentimes, when we don’t understand something we defer to judgment and criticism. Rather than judging decisions that differ from ours, I challenge everyone to reach towards compassion and curiosity.
Book Recommendations:
Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids
By: Meghan Daum
https://www.meghandaum.com/selfish-shallow-self-absorbed
Confessions of a Childfree Woman: A Life Spent Swimming Against the Mainstream
By: Marcia Drut Davis
Books by Marcia Drut-Davis
Do You Have Kids?: Life When the Answer is No
By: Kate Kaufmann
https://www.katekaufmann.com/the-book
Women Without Kids
By: Ruby Warrington
https://www.rubywarrington.com/books/women-without-kids/
I'm Mostly Here to Enjoy Myself: One Woman's Pursuit of Pleasure in Paris
https://www.glynnismacnicol.com/
Harpy: A Manifesto for Childfree Women
By: Dr. Caroline Magennis
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/harpy-caroline-magennis/1145998163
Tracee Ellis-Ross Interview
https://www.buzzfeed.com/stephaniesoteriou/tracee-ellis-ross-being-single-child-free
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1uMZErsF2s (you can fastforward to the 3:50 mark)
References:
Soteriou, S. (2025, April 17). Tracee Ellis Ross opened up about the "grief" she sometimes feels
over being single and child-free. BuzzFeed.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/stephaniesoteriou/tracee-ellis-ross-being-single-child-free